I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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