Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
do herpes really smell.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Randomize
