As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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