fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
