You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
