Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
