i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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