Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
