I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Randomize
