Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
