just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
