My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
