your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
