Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
