It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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