i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize