why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
