saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
