Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
