AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
