Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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