this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
