I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize