and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
