DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
