??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
