now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
it hurts more in the daytime
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
