Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Define "chronic" masturbator.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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