I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
