I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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