the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
ok first of all what the fuck
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize