Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
