I can't breathe out the right side of my face
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
