i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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