literally had 100 drinks last night.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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