nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
