I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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