Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize