They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
