I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
