i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
