speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
