I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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