Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
