i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm just crazy horny about you
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize