You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
