last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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