Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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