Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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