I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
