life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize