We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
