I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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