Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
