he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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