woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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