i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
