Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
