A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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