someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Randomize
