You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
