In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Randomize
