At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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