Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
