i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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